It’s been hard to find the right words to truly describe the birth

It’s been hard to find the right words to truly describe the birth of my beautiful baby boy Bodhi.

He was born on the 11th of October a beautiful, 9.11lb chunk of love. His birth was a far cry from the peaceful water birth I originally dreamed of, but I can hand on heart say of all of my #3 births his arrival Earth side was the one that has shaped me the most. My pregnancy allowed me to go deep within and learn so much about myself and transform into the amazing matriarch that I know will nourish and nurture all of my children for the rest of our lives together.

Around my 36 week scan my consultants became “concerned” that I was carrying a “big baby”. I knew that babies grow perfectly well for the size of their mother ~ and that “big baby” or “over due babies” were really nothing to fear in todays modern age (many mothers are well nourished and able to carry and birth “big babies”).

I declined induction at 37 weeks. It didn’t feel right as I wanted the baby to choose when s/he was ready. The consultants applied a little more pressure saying words like “risk, still birth, shoulder dystocia, foetal death” which made me feel very fearful. I tuned into my inner self and listened to my baby- I declined all induction offers from 38weeks onwards and eventually agreed that if my baby decided not to arrive earthside by his “guess date” that I would prefer to book an elective c-section.

The consultant was supportive as I explained that I held trauma from a previous induction (my first birth) and I felt like I needed to be in control this time. I hoped my baby would make his appearance before my “guess date” and believe me, I walked, I ate curry, consumed pineapple galore, munched dates daily, drank red raspberry leaf tea by the gallon and meditated, danced and connected every day with my baby. He wasn’t ready (and I knew that

At 38weeks I caught covid. I felt really unwell for a two weeks (right up until my “guess date”).

For two weeks I went through emotional turmoil – was I making the right choice for me and my baby? How might this different birth choice affect us? What would recovery look like? I journaled, I meditated, I continued with the course…. Then one evening, possibly early in the morning- I had a moment of calm, clarity and peace. I don’t know exactly what it was but I felt ready. I wanted to meet my baby. I shifted my mindset from feeling out of control and grief for the birth I might not get – and began to accept and research the types of c-section birth options that were available to me. I suddenly felt empowered and incontrol again.

Every evening when I kissed my two children and tucked them up in to bed I would spend time meditating and communicating with my baby. Telling them how they will be born in to this world, telling them I love them and that we will both be ok.

I was ready! I made a playlist, on my birth plan I made it clear that I wanted skin to skin immediately and for the baby to stay with me at all times (during my operation/recovery).

The day came to meet my sweet little soul.
The 11th October – I had waited so long.
I have never felt more calm, peaceful and excited. It felt like Christmas Day, I felt so empowered by my choice – I had made peace with it all. I was ready to meet my boy.

The birth and surgery were absolutely beautiful. Christina Perri – a thousand years played on the radio and my big 9.11lb boy was born into the world at 12:44pm.

Unfortunately, he developed breathing complications and had to be rushed away to intensive care where he received oxygen and was placed on numerous drips, feeding tubes, wires, X-rays and monitors.

I shouted out to my partner… “go with him, I don’t want him to be alone” as I lay paralysed wondering whether my baby would come back or if he was ok. I took deep breaths, and remained calm, I will forever be thankful for hypnobirthing to ground and centre myself.

I am forever grateful for the 2mins that I got to hold him before he was rushed away. I’ve felt sadness, grief, disappointment and guilt over those moments – wondering if I was somehow to blame for his breathing complications. It felt very upsetting to when I was wheeled back on to the recovery ward [a ward FULL of mothers and their babies] when I couldn’t even hold mine. I stayed in the ward for a few hours and my partner came back with the midwives to explain that Bodhi had fluid on his lungs and he would be ok, but needed to stay in intensive care. I was relieved, feeling grief, sadness and elation all at once.

Recovery was slow in those first days/nights in hospital. I am so thankful to the beautiful angels (midwives and care assistants) who held my hand and listened to me cry. I wanted to be with my baby. By the second day I was able to walk (slowly) to see Bodhi in NICU. It was hard, I won’t lie. Each day we exchanged little wool blankets so he could smell
Me and I could smell him. I expressed my colostrum (which gave me a really positive focus) so that he could eventually start to breastfeed when the feeding tubes were removed. He looked so tiny and fragile (despite his good size!).

By day 3 we were having skin to skin. I would walk the gruelling short distance from my ward to his (it felt like 10 miles, I’m sure it was only a few yards), I set a 3 hourly timer on my phone to wake me throughout the night so that i could breastfeed him in NICU.

By night 4 I was just settling back into bed after walking to feed him when the midwives wheeled his little glass tank into my bay. “We have a present for you”, it was my precious boy, Christmas really had come!

By the morning we were given the all clear to return home, where we have been having non-stop cuddles, skin to skin and breastfeeding. His brother and sister love him and we all feel so lucky to have him in our arms.

Whilst my “dream birth” took a different route, I would honestly say it was just as beautiful as I could have wished for. I would do it all over again, a thousand times, for baby Bodhi.