my new motherhood blogger – pregnancy after loss

“Is this your first baby?”

It’s a question every pregnant woman hears, often with excitement. For most, it’s an easy question to answer. But for me, it’s more complicated. This is my fourth baby. At home, I already have a 3.5-year-old son, Albie, and two babies I hold close to my heart.

This pregnancy has been a rollercoaster. Earlier in 2024, we experienced our second pregnancy loss, the first before Albie’s birth. Hearing, “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat,” for the second time is heart-wrenching. You ask yourself, “Why me?” or “Did I do something wrong?”

Afterward, we took time to grieve. Then, we decided to try again, without rushing or putting pressure on ourselves. In June 2024, something felt different. I didn’t want to get too hopeful, but after a long shift at work, I took a test. A faint pink line appeared. I didn’t believe it, so I kept it to myself—not even telling my husband.

Five days later, I took another test. The line was darker, but I still didn’t feel excitement—only fear. I left the test out for my husband to see. His response was calm: “Okay, let’s see what happens.” He could tell I was nervous, so he stayed positive to balance my doubts.

The early weeks were filled with uncertainty. I took tests daily, watching the line get darker. Then, I started feeling abdominal pain, and all I could think was, “It’s happening again.” I called my doctor, and they referred me for an early scan. Walking into the same room with the same sonographer, I braced myself. But this time, I heard, “Congratulations, everything looks good for 6 weeks.” I was stunned.

We had scans every two weeks after that. At 17 weeks, we scheduled an early gender scan. We had found out Albie’s gender, but never had the chance with our other babies. Even then, doubt lingered. I hadn’t felt the baby move yet, and I couldn’t shake the worry. But then the moment came: “It’s a girl!” A small rush of excitement washed over me—one of each! But just as quickly, I reminded myself not to get ahead of myself.

Throughout this pregnancy, the fear never left. At one point, we were told we might need to deliver her early because of poor weight gain. The anxiety stayed constant. I couldn’t bond with her the way I had with Albie, and the guilt was overwhelming. The “what ifs” hung over me every day.

To create some positive memories, I booked a maternity photoshoot. Talking to Jess and seeing her enthusiasm helped me open up. I’d kept my pregnancy mostly to myself at work, but talking about it, sharing my feelings, helped me start bonding with my baby girl.

What I’ve learned is that feeling disconnected or anxious after pregnancy loss is completely normal. If you’re struggling, know that you’re not alone. Talking openly with others and seeking support can make all the difference. It’s okay to lean on those around you during this journey.

Emily x

You can read my other guest blogs with a whole mix of experiences, perspectives and sharing here.