Pregnancy after lung surgery

My journey into motherhood was not quite what one would call typical. In fact, my life has not been particularly typical! I have experienced extreme highs and fairly dramatic lows with limited time in the middle for normality. To go into every nook and cranny of these wild events would require an entire book (one day!)

so for now I will highlight the current event. When I was nineteen my lung collapsed during a bike ride with my friend. I experienced chest pain and as most invincible teenagers would, I continued on my ride. Later that evening I would be taken to the hospital and told I needed lung surgery to save my life due to blebs on both lungs and a pneumothorax on the left. After minimal recovery from major surgery, I started university in Brighton at the uni of Sussex and went on to spend five and a half years studying psychology, and then psychological interventions with a view to becoming a clinical psychologist.

All through these degrees, mixed in with the best times swimming in the sea, making wonderful friendships, and nannying for the best families; my body was in sabotage mode. I had multiple hospital admissions to intensive care with pneumonia, sepsis, adrenal crises, seizures, and worsening asthma symptoms. Juggling severe ill health with upholding a lifestyle of postgraduate study, having fun, and trying to spend time on Brighton Beach, ideally swimming and cycling, was, looking back, fairly exhausting and probably verging on insanity.

In March 2022 my health took a nosedive after I caught covid-19. I spent time in hospital and then was discharged on home nursing care with oxygen and nebulisers to use around the clock. I could hardly eat, walk or breathe and I don’t think I was alone in thinking that my life was creeping towards its end. At this point, I felt like a helpless, useless failure who was no longer studying properly, wasn’t working and spent most days in bed, breathless and exhausted. The silver lining and in fact the life saving element to all of this difficulty was, and remains, my support network. I am so unbelievably lucky to have friends & family who stuck with me through a time in my life when I wasn’t at my best. They saved my life, I know that for certain. Tom and I have been together for five or so years and he is a huge part of my reason to keep going when times feel impossibly hard.

We had always talked about having a family; I absolutely adore children and Tom said early on that he wanted to be with someone who loved and wanted children – it was a dealbreaker for both of us ! However, when my health declined so suddenly we feared that our dreams would never be fulfilled and that it wouldn’t happen for us. Well, not only did I get pregnant, I also carried the baby for seven months and had a c-section which resulted in his safe arrival, eight weeks early. It wasn’t a simple pregnancy, of course ! I spent weeks in hospital and experienced two bouts of sepsis, a pneumonia resulting in intensive care treatment and multiple adrenal crises due to my uncontrolled adrenal insufficiency.

We had many consultants’ involvement and several long drives to a specialist hospital for detailed scans and close monitoring… but the most incredible part of this was that not only did growing a baby in my weak, broken body not kill me, but it actually began to heal me. My oxygen saturations which had been very low, started to increase, in turn boosting my exercise tolerance and my mood. I could actually take clear breaths without feeling like a wet paper straw was lodged in my airways.

The adventure we are embarking upon is going to be full of highs and lows just as life was before our baby was born. I have had hospital admissions since, my health is still rocky and I still need oxygen to support my lungs and help my breathing. Nothing is simple, and everything is beyond exhausting and there is an insurmountable level of ball juggling going on – oh and we are trying to buy a house before August when Tom starts his new anaesthetics reg job! However I wouldn’t exchange all the sleep and comfort in the world for our healthy baby.

I have been following her photography journey since day one, having known her since I was six years old and she used to babysit for my brother and me. I knew Jess was amazing with children as we used to get very excited ahead of our evenings with her when we were little. I then saw her with her own babies years later and the warmth and love was palpable. What I hadn’t ever experienced was Jess’ photography – but that was not to disappoint! Her images are soft and filled with affability and smooth energy, showing families relaxed and happy cuddling new bundled up babies with gorgeous tiny toes. We were sooo excited to take our four month old to visit and for him to have photos, but more importantly cuddles, with our very special friend Jess! The shoot was fun, calm and relaxed – to be honest I was more worried about my partner Tom than the baby, but even he was relaxed and photogenic under Jess’ magical spell!

My new guest blogger is Oscar’s Mummy, Emma.

She will be blogging all about Oscar’s first year,  below is Emma’s first blog – an intro to their journey from IVF treatment to parenthood.

On New Years Day 2019 we began our journey to parenthood. Months of negative pregnancy tests, upset, & despair persuaded us to seek answers. We were referred to Bourn Hall Clinic & testing started just as covid hit, meaning a nervous wait until July 2021 when we were told we had unexplained infertility as they couldn’t find anything wrong with either of us. We would need to continue trying to conceive for 3 years before we would be eligible to have IVF on the NHS.

Fast forward to January 2022 & we started IVF. I was full of conflicting emotions. Happy & excited to finally have our dreams come true to have the family we had always wished for, but scared, knowing that this journey wouldn’t be easy & may not be successful first time. After preparing my body for 3 weeks of injections & medication it was finally egg collection day.

I was nervous & worried, not knowing whether they would be able to retrieve enough or any healthy eggs & whether they would produce embryos. After 5 days we got the call to say we had viable embryos. However, being so unwell due to all the medication I had taken prior to the egg collection, I was unable to have a fresh transfer. I would have to wait 3 months to let my body recover, 3 months which seemed like years, with a frozen transfer date set for 27th May.  I counted down the days until the all important date arrived, a day I will never forget, again awash with excitement, apprehension, fear, but with a positive mindset, ready for the next, so important stage in our journey

Now the 2 weeks wait began. This was undoubtedly the hardest part for me, not knowing whether the little embryo inside of me was growing, overthinking every little symptom. Monday 6th June arrived – test day & the day our lives changed forever. We finally saw those two blue lines.

Infertility comes with huge anxiety & until we had our first scan and heard his heartbeat for the first time it simply didn’t feel real. I hadn’t allowed myself to believe this was really happening until that crucial first scan & the relief, joy & anticipation was overwhelming.I enjoyed every minute of being pregnant and carrying my baby boy was the biggest possible blessing. We couldn’t wait to bring our little miracle into the world.

Friday 24th February 8:09am & our baby boy Oscar Ocean was born weighing 8lb15 by emergency C-Section. We knew our lives had changed with the positive pregnancy test but this was the day we finally became the family we had wanted for so long. The journey was long, emotionally exhausting, full of hopes, fears, laughter & tears.

Thanks to the wonders of modern science & the wonderful Bourn Hall Fertility Clinic to whom we will be eternally grateful, our dreams all came true. Now the next stage in our journey as a family of 3 has started and I can’t wait to tell you all about it in my next blog post.

Emma

Please check out my other guest blogs here. and below is a few photos from Oscar’s first baby photo session.

Guest blog by Norah’s Mummy – part 2

I spent a lot of my pregnancy mourning the child I was expecting to have and grieving the situation we were in. Any minute I’d wake up from the nightmare because surely this couldn’t be my actual life. None of it seemed fair and none of it made sense. Because of this I was worried that once she was here those feelings wouldn’t go away and I’d struggle to bond with her. I was really lucky to have loads of support from the Perinatal Mental Health team which started soon after Norahs diagnosis and continued for just over a year which made a huge difference to my feelings around Norahs condition..

That said it’s definitely not been easy and there have been lots of ups and downs. Norah defied all expectations and after months of talks about what NICU would look like and how long she’d need to spend in there, she moved over to transitional care less than 24 hours after birth! I had mentally psyched myself up for how we would navigate being apart from her and suddenly she was being moved into a side room with me to establish feeding. I was overjoyed and terrified! I lost track of how many times I called my buzzer that first night for someone to come and check if she was alright!

Two days after she was born she had a contrast dye ultrasound done of her abdomen to find out more about the malrotation of her stomach and bowel. During this ultrasound they discovered that Norah also didn’t have a visible gallbladder, which was concerning as children with heterotaxy are at an increased risk of Biliary Atresia and a lack of a gallbladder could be an indicator of this. This had been one of our biggest worries during the pregnancy and it felt as if it was all becoming real. We were told that she could be discharged four days after she was born, but that we’d have to come back to the hospital weekly for blood tests to monitor her billarubin levels in consultation with Kings College due to the concern around biliary atresia. The first few weeks of her life were consumed with anxiety around blood test results and each time we thought she was in the clear Kings would ask for another test to check. I would carry her round the house looking at her in different lights to check if she had jaundice and after being told to look out for pale coloured poos (an indicator for liver problems) I developed a whole poo gallery on my phone to show the nurses at the hospital! I naively had thought that there’d be a simple test to check for biliary atresia but the tests and the anxiety went on and on. Finally it was decided that her billarubin levels were consistently normal and she wouldn’t need to come back for any further tests.

At three months old Norah had her first cardiology appointment with a cardiologist from Great Ormond street. We are really fortunate that he does outpatient appointments at the Norfolk and Norwich so we didn’t have far to travel, something we were very grateful for with a newborn! It was discovered that as well as the heart defects we were already aware of, she also has a small atrial septal defect, but he was unconcerned and the appointment was really positive. Her heart rhythm sounded completely as it should, despite having two left sides and he decided she only needed to be seen once a year as things were.

During this appointment we also discovered that Norah has two left lungs which we hadn’t expected but apparently is very typical with left atrial isomerism- the ‘type’ of heterotaxy Norah has. It was great to be able to talk to someone with more knowledge of Norahs condition. As wonderful at the NNUH have been their knowledge of managing Norahs condition has been limited and I have had to do a lot of research myself and push for referrals and treatment I believe she needs. During my pregnancy I connected with a really great Facebook group of other parents who have children with heterotaxy and this has been invaluable for finding out how other children are looked after.. Norah has polysplenia which means she has several small spleens which may or may not work. The spleen plays an important part in the immune system and as such Norah is classed as immunocompromised. I had done a lot of research into this after speaking to other parents in the group and questioned whether Norah should be on a daily prophylactic dose of antibiotics, something which her cardiologist confirmed to be correct and was only put into place following this appointment. It has definitely made me question everything and given me the confidence to advocate for what she needs.

So far Norah has managed to avoid any surgery on her stomach and bowel. With the malrotation she will always be at an increased risk of volvulvus which would require emergency surgery and we have to look out for signs of this which would be extreme pain and/or green vomit. It amazes us that she can have so much going on inside her but somehow she’s making it work for her.

I still feel grief over Norahs diagnosis. It is unfair. It’s unfair that children get sick. It’s unfair that this has happened to us. It’s unfair that we have this huge worry and uncertainty hanging over us. And to an extent those feelings will always exist. But we also had the choice to let go of the expectations around what pregnancy, birth and parenthood ‘should’ look like  and embrace the only version of our daughter that exists. Her heterotaxy is part of her and she wouldn’t exist without it. We have to try and quiet  that mindset and enjoy her, diagnosis and all.

Hannah’s first blog can be read here.

Safy Fitness is based in Norwich

Hi there

To check all mt other guest blogs click here

It’s been almost a year since we walked into the hospital with nervous anticipation, excited to see our baby. We’d had a private scan only four weeks previously and found out we were having another little girl.

We were days away from moving house, upsizing ready for our new addition and we had started trawling through Pinterest for ideas on how we were going to decorate her room. We sat in the waiting room that day looking at Instagram-worthy images of nursery’s and talking paint colours and baby names, unable to agree with each other on anything!

Just before we went in I remember saying to my husband “I hope it all goes ok” and his typical laid-back response of “yeh of course it will!” Part of me wonders now whether subconsciously I always knew something wasn’t right.

As the sonographer  silently studied the screen I noticed she kept coming back to the baby’s heart again and again. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as with a sympathetic voice she said “I just want someone else to come in and have a look if that’s ok.” A referral to fetal medicine was made and we were ushered through the back and handed free photographs.

We didn’t have any kind of diagnosis at that point but it was clear they suspected something was very wrong and the little future we had been planning in the waiting room was suddenly being thrown out and replaced by uncertainty and fear.

Over the next two weeks we would have appointments with fetal medicine, amniocentesis, an MRI scan in Sheffield, genetic testing and ultrasounds at GOSH. What followed was complete emotional turmoil as we moved house with our three year old daughter, whilst also trying to gather all the information we could to make a decision on whether we wanted to continue with the pregnancy.

It felt and still to this day feels an incredibly traumatic time. How do you make a decision at 23 weeks on whether you want to continue with a very much longer for pregnancy or whether it’s in the baby’s best interests to say a heartbreaking goodbye and choose to not give that baby a chance?

With the support of our family,  community midwife’s, the fetal medicine team and the perinatal mental health team we navigated our new normal and planned for a different pregnancy and birth.

Our daughter has Heterotaxy Syndrome, specifically left isomerism, a rare congential abnormality affecting 1 in 10,000 people. Her stomach is on the wrong side of her abdomen, her liver in midline, she has Polysplenia, two left lungs, a heart with two left sides and an interrupted IVC with azygous continuation. We were told not too google but it was impossible.

I scoured Facebook and Instagram under the hashtag of heterotaxy trying to find other families with children with the condition. I was able to connect with a few parents from around the world which helped but it became clear that outcomes very much depended on factors that we wouldn’t find out until she was born.

The rest of the pregnancy was full of unknowns. GOSH painted a positive outlook depending on the severity of malrotation of her stomach and bowel, her splenic status  and on whether she had a condition called biliary atresia, however I grieved for the baby I thought I was having and struggled to feel connected to my pregnancy in any way. Whereas previously I had been excited to have a second child I now felt like somehow this  baby wasn’t mine and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.

When we moved house all the baby equipment and clothes were placed into the spare room and the door shut. I couldn’t bear to go in there and look at any of it. The more the baby kicked the less I was able to pretend it wasn’t real and each little kick and wriggle was a painful reminder of the reality for our little girl.

We spoke at length to paediatric surgeons, fetal cardiologists, neonatologists and the NICU team about the plan for birth and what would happen afterwards. Before our daughters diagnosis I had planned to have a homebirth, something which obviously couldn’t go ahead given that she would need to go to NICU when she was born and I was told that induction at 39 weeks would be recommended.

It felt like another blow, something else that had been taken out of my control and a million miles from the peaceful birth at home in my living room that I had planned! As I approached full term I questioned whether I needed to be induced or whether I could be given extra monitoring and wait for baby to make an appearance.

I was told induction would still be preferable but I felt confident enough from the scans and monitoring that she was tucked away safely and would come when she was ready. Unfortunately I hit 42 weeks and she still wasn’t budging so I decided that for the sake of  my own mental health, which had begun to deteriorate further as the uncertainty of her birth approached, I would take the induction.

On the 16^th July in the early hours of the morning, our daughter Norah Rose arrived. After a difficult start following a traumatic forceps delivery we  were able to spend a precious half an hour with her skin to skin before she was taken to NICU. Months of worrying about bonding with her melted away and were  replaced by a fierce need to protect her. The grief, fear and uncertainty was still there but there was joy there too. She was here, she was being looked after and she was loved.

Hannah will be blogging again and I think we can all agree what an incredible mum she is, Norah is so loved by her family and below is a recent photo of her. She is very cheeky and oh so cute!

Local pregnancy and baby business – Returning to exercise post-birth by Babyfit

It is often quite disappointing to hear that there isn’t a black-and-white answer to this. Everyone is different and with no two births being identical, the return to exercise will look and feel different for each individual. For the majority, finding the time is the trickiest barrier once the body feels ready to rock and roll. However what can be done following birth to ensure the body is as ready as can be for more.

Here are my top tips:

• Spend as much time as you are able in the first 2-3 weeks resting. The human body is incredibly intelligent and knows just what to do. For example, you will likely physically feel the uterus shrinking back to normal. These sensations can come as quite a shock but, as uncomfortable as they are, this is your body doing incredible work. I mean, what other body part can stretch, and return to its original size multiple times? For some, this is not possible with siblings or because you naturally find it hard to do, so please no extra stress, do what you can.

• As soon as possible, as long as there is no pain, start gently activating your pelvic floor and connecting back with a full breath (something that became very challenged at the end of pregnancy with restricted space!) Slow, deep breathing, with a relaxed tummy, will allow the rib cage to be beautifully massaged and will feed energy and nourishment into the healing tissues and muscles.

• Hopefully you may have had the opportunity to batch cook some frozen meals in those final weeks of pregnancy, however if you didn’t then call on family and friends to bring food! Food prep is the last thing on your mind when you have a new born but food, nutrition and hydration can really help support the body during this phase. I know how hard it is and how easy it is to reach for quick processed food and takeaways but if you have the support of a partner and/or family and friends, get them to cook all the goodness. It will make a difference, plus this might help reduce other symptoms such as constipation, which is important to avoid for pelvic health.

• Gradually build up to more movement. In an ideal world, if one were to exist, we would spend approximately 7 days in bed, 7 days moving on or around the bed and the days following slowly moving away from the bed (remembering we are all different). I know those who are used to participating in intense exercise pre-pregnancy are often missing the endorphin rush, but please do not under estimate the power of walking. This also gives the opportunity to monitor for pain, discomfort, increased bleeding and any pelvic floor challenges. This can be built up in distance and speed, although running isn’t recommended until approx. 12 weeks.
• See a pelvic health physiotherapist if you can. Having this appointment can be worth its weight in gold when it comes to knowing what is internally and externally going on. With approximately 1 in 2/3 women experiencing bladder incontinence at some point in their life, it can offer a great reassurance and give personal preventative measures to help.

Debbie is a health and fitness instructor who specialises in pregnancy and post birth exercise and wellness. She runs a business called BabyFit and her classes and expertise can be found in private classes, as well as working freelance for other gyms in Norwich. Debbie has a passion for all things women’s health and can often be heard talking about the pelvic floor and other taboo topics of conversation surrounding our anatomy. Debbie can be found at www.babyfit.me.uk or on social media, and welcomes any questions you have to help you feel confident and able in your body.

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Please check my other guest blogs from pregnant mamas, new mums, and other businesses here

It’s been over 3 months since my last blog and oh my goodness how everything has changed. It’s true when they say that no two days are alike with a baby because compared to our lives 3 months ago, everything is so different. Arlo is now rolling (which makes nappy changing a fun game!) smiling, laughing and has such a personality. Something my partner and I didn’t expect (and has been mentioned by our friends also), was for Arlo to have such a personality this early on. He has favourite toys, favourite activities, will sigh if unimpressed (which is adorably cute) and knows when he’s being cheeky.

This little personality just shone through on his first Christmas, he was so excited opening his presents and everything happening throughout the day. As it was his first Christmas, we unashamedly did all the cliche things. We all wore matching pajamas, got a photograph ‘my first Christmas’ bauble for the tree, did a clay indentation of Arlo’s footprint on his first Christmas and my partner even dressed up as Santa for Arlo and his cousin. It was a lovely time of year and amazing memories were made, but now the chaos has calmed down a little I’m finding a lot of reflection happening this January.

Reflection

One thing in particular that I have been reflecting on, which I have been unsure of how to write about, although I feel it’s necessary, is postnatal mental health. I have a lot of experience in mental health, I work in a mental health team, but going through it was different. Not knowing where the line of what’s normal postnatally and where you may need support because it’s not spoken about has been a difficult line to navigate. At first, I would think the severe anxiety of having to constantly check Arlo was ok whilst he was sleeping was normal and just a ‘new mum thing’ but then it turned into becoming distressed even if he was seemingly ok because I was adamant in my mind, I would miss something if he wasn’t ok.

Despite the fact that I knew that I knew my baby, I could hear what was his hunger cry or his sleepy cry, I knew if he was acting a bit grizzly or needed extra comforting, I couldn’t trust myself. Again, it was difficult to know what was new mum anxiety and what was treatable anxiety. How I have found navigating this line, for myself at least, was using my village. When I say village, I mean my network, friends with children, family members, my antenatal class friends who were experiencing motherhood right alongside me.

Once I felt comfortable enough to talk to them about what was actually happening, I found I could find a ‘norm’ to go on based on what others were experiencing, and others candid accounts of with hindsight when they had wished they sought help proved such a valuable support. After this time, what I would say if someone came to me asking questions like I was, is that if you’re worried about your own thoughts and behaviour then that is enough to seek support. If you manage to speak to support and they reassure you what you are experiencing is normal postnatally – terrific.

However, if the support you discuss with suggests some more help is needed, then you’ve begun the first step and things can only improve from there. Needing support, needing medication or therapy, needing assistance with bonding, sleep training or anything else does not make you a failure. Taking that support to make a change, makes you the strongest person your baby can look up too. Also, if anyone’s reading this, whose relating to this account and has sought support themselves – I’m proud of you.

On a different note, we have found some of our favourite activities to do together, Arlo and I, over this past few months. Since Arlo loved his baby massage course so much when he was a newborn I thought I would try a different set of classes once they completed. We’ve begun doing baby yoga and Arlo absolutely loves it, he loves the flying around, funny poses from mummy and most of all the interaction with our wonderful instructor Lucy and the other babies.

I would recommend lulu baby massage & yoga to any mum out there. As well as this, we’ve enjoyed going for walks, spending time with family, going swimming and doing sensory classes with Arlo. If attending sensory classes isn’t practical for you right now, I have found ways to make fun memories doing sensory activities at home. Whilst this was easier over Christmas (little man’s face whenever he saw Christmas lights was the best thing ever), using different lights from around the house, setting play areas up with different colours on books or toys, incorporating different textures into his play like foil blankets or fluffy materials. Arlo in particular, loves mirrors recently and his lion toy that I mentioned in my last blog is still a firm favourite with him.

As well as focusing on our favourite activities from right now, I find it important to also focus on things we’re looking forward to with Arlo in the future – the next one being weening! I may be the overprepared mum whose read about 3 too many books on weaning your baby but I felt gathering more information has helped me feel less anxious about the process and have the ability to be excited about it. My partner absolutely loves to cook and we can’t wait to be able to make meals which we can share with Arlo, his high chair already has it’s rightful place at the head of our dining table. The books I’ve found particularly helpful are Ella’s Kitchen: The First Foods Book and How To Wean Your Baby: The Step By Step Plan To Help Your Baby Love Their Brocolli As Much As Their Cake.

I’m looking forward to writing about our, probably very messy, weaning journey in my next blog post.

It’s been hard to find the right words to truly describe the birth of my beautiful baby boy Bodhi.

He was born on the 11th of October a beautiful, 9.11lb chunk of love. His birth was a far cry from the peaceful water birth I originally dreamed of, but I can hand on heart say of all of my #3 births his arrival Earth side was the one that has shaped me the most. My pregnancy allowed me to go deep within and learn so much about myself and transform into the amazing matriarch that I know will nourish and nurture all of my children for the rest of our lives together.

Around my 36 week scan my consultants became “concerned” that I was carrying a “big baby”. I knew that babies grow perfectly well for the size of their mother ~ and that “big baby” or “over due babies” were really nothing to fear in todays modern age (many mothers are well nourished and able to carry and birth “big babies”).

I declined induction at 37 weeks. It didn’t feel right as I wanted the baby to choose when s/he was ready. The consultants applied a little more pressure saying words like “risk, still birth, shoulder dystocia, foetal death” which made me feel very fearful. I tuned into my inner self and listened to my baby- I declined all induction offers from 38weeks onwards and eventually agreed that if my baby decided not to arrive earthside by his “guess date” that I would prefer to book an elective c-section.

The consultant was supportive as I explained that I held trauma from a previous induction (my first birth) and I felt like I needed to be in control this time. I hoped my baby would make his appearance before my “guess date” and believe me, I walked, I ate curry, consumed pineapple galore, munched dates daily, drank red raspberry leaf tea by the gallon and meditated, danced and connected every day with my baby. He wasn’t ready (and I knew that

At 38weeks I caught covid. I felt really unwell for a two weeks (right up until my “guess date”).

For two weeks I went through emotional turmoil – was I making the right choice for me and my baby? How might this different birth choice affect us? What would recovery look like? I journaled, I meditated, I continued with the course…. Then one evening, possibly early in the morning- I had a moment of calm, clarity and peace. I don’t know exactly what it was but I felt ready. I wanted to meet my baby. I shifted my mindset from feeling out of control and grief for the birth I might not get – and began to accept and research the types of c-section birth options that were available to me. I suddenly felt empowered and incontrol again.

Every evening when I kissed my two children and tucked them up in to bed I would spend time meditating and communicating with my baby. Telling them how they will be born in to this world, telling them I love them and that we will both be ok.

I was ready! I made a playlist, on my birth plan I made it clear that I wanted skin to skin immediately and for the baby to stay with me at all times (during my operation/recovery).

The day came to meet my sweet little soul.
The 11th October – I had waited so long.
I have never felt more calm, peaceful and excited. It felt like Christmas Day, I felt so empowered by my choice – I had made peace with it all. I was ready to meet my boy.

The birth and surgery were absolutely beautiful. Christina Perri – a thousand years played on the radio and my big 9.11lb boy was born into the world at 12:44pm.

Unfortunately, he developed breathing complications and had to be rushed away to intensive care where he received oxygen and was placed on numerous drips, feeding tubes, wires, X-rays and monitors.

I shouted out to my partner… “go with him, I don’t want him to be alone” as I lay paralysed wondering whether my baby would come back or if he was ok. I took deep breaths, and remained calm, I will forever be thankful for hypnobirthing to ground and centre myself.

I am forever grateful for the 2mins that I got to hold him before he was rushed away. I’ve felt sadness, grief, disappointment and guilt over those moments – wondering if I was somehow to blame for his breathing complications. It felt very upsetting to when I was wheeled back on to the recovery ward [a ward FULL of mothers and their babies] when I couldn’t even hold mine. I stayed in the ward for a few hours and my partner came back with the midwives to explain that Bodhi had fluid on his lungs and he would be ok, but needed to stay in intensive care. I was relieved, feeling grief, sadness and elation all at once.

Recovery was slow in those first days/nights in hospital. I am so thankful to the beautiful angels (midwives and care assistants) who held my hand and listened to me cry. I wanted to be with my baby. By the second day I was able to walk (slowly) to see Bodhi in NICU. It was hard, I won’t lie. Each day we exchanged little wool blankets so he could smell
Me and I could smell him. I expressed my colostrum (which gave me a really positive focus) so that he could eventually start to breastfeed when the feeding tubes were removed. He looked so tiny and fragile (despite his good size!).

By day 3 we were having skin to skin. I would walk the gruelling short distance from my ward to his (it felt like 10 miles, I’m sure it was only a few yards), I set a 3 hourly timer on my phone to wake me throughout the night so that i could breastfeed him in NICU.

By night 4 I was just settling back into bed after walking to feed him when the midwives wheeled his little glass tank into my bay. “We have a present for you”, it was my precious boy, Christmas really had come!

By the morning we were given the all clear to return home, where we have been having non-stop cuddles, skin to skin and breastfeeding. His brother and sister love him and we all feel so lucky to have him in our arms.

Whilst my “dream birth” took a different route, I would honestly say it was just as beautiful as I could have wished for. I would do it all over again, a thousand times, for baby Bodhi.

Thank you Cristi @Keepwildkid for blogging your journey as always I have loved photographing you all. You can read lots of guest blogs here.

To find more of my newborn work head over to my gallery.

Q & A with my new guest blogger – motherhood series:

Please introduce yourself and your baby – how old is he now?

Hey there! I’m Charmaine and my partner, Darren, and I have a beautiful baby boy, Arlo. Arlo is now 3 months old (14 weeks to be exact) and I can’t believe where the time has gone. Our little rainbow surprised us a month earlier than expected at 36 weeks so we got our cuddles even sooner!

Thank you Charmaine for your honest blog, I cant wait to follow your motherhood journey this year!

Arlo and his parents will be back around the 6 month milestone for more photos and an update

Jess x

View more newborn images here.

Guest Blogger – Twins- a C-section birth story

I finally made it to c-section day after weeks of feeling the twins might drop out if I moved too much! C-section day was booked for 37 weeks and 1 day- a Monday morning. I was on the morning list and had to get to the ward for 7am. It felt incredibly weird to say the least driving to the hospital to have my babies and not being in labour. It was also surreal to know that in just a few hours time life was about to change completely.

When we arrived I was given a side room, which I was thankful for, and after a little wait it was like Piccadilly Circus with the anaesthetist, midwife, midwife assistant, and doctor each coming in to introduce themselves and go through everything ahead of the c-section. Before it could go ahead though they had to make sure there would be space in neonatal for the twins should they need it before they could continue.

There were three of us on the morning list and they weren’t sure of the order initially, but I ended up being second on the list and so was taken down to the delivery suite (where the theatre was) in my oh so elegant hospital gown and stockings.

I was prepped for theatre in the anaesthetic room with a canula and spinal block. I was dreading the spinal, but it really wasn’t as bad as I expected- the worst part was the freezing cold anaesthetic spray they first sprayed onto my back. The spinal was weird because although I couldn’t move my legs or feel the coldness of the ice cube in their test to see if the spinal was working properly, I could still feel things touching my skin.

Catheter went in then I was wheeled into the theatre. Everyone was so laid back and it was a very calm, relaxed environment. The anaesthetist was brilliant and so lovely. I was quite worried about feeling faint being on my back with the weight of the twins as I had done in my scans, but I had a wedge under me so I was slightly tilted to the left and felt fine. The screen went up and it all felt very weird and overwhelming. After a short time I came over feeling very faint and so was quickly given anti-sickness medication. (I was later told that I bled significantly when they initially cut into me and lost around 2 litres of blood, which probably explains the faintness!) I also felt very hot but that was because the theatre temperature was really high for the babies.

 Twin 1- Barnaby, who was very low down and head first, came out first at 10.20am weighing 6lb 6oz and was given to me over the top of the screen for a cuddle (he was absolutely covered in blood from the bleeding that had occurred) and I was able to have a little cuddle with him before he was cleaned up and checked over. Twin 2- Rafferty, came out at 10.21 weighing 5lb 11oz, legs first doing a wee and then came round the screen to me for a cuddle but then they were a little concerned about his breathing so they called for the neonatal doctor to come and check him over. He ended up being absolutely fine though and my husband and I held a twin each which was a great distraction whilst they continued with the rest of the operation.

I had heard people describe c-sections feel as though it’s like someone is doing the washing up inside your tummy, which felt about right! There was some very vigorous washing up going on in there though where they were pushing down very hard on my tummy, but I guess this was all part of getting the placenta out.

It was around 11.45 (I think!) when I was in the recovery room. Whilst in there a midwife helped me get the twins to latch for their first breastfeed. Only twin 1 latched and the midwife then harvested a syringe of colostrum for twin 2 who refused to latch. They were also monitoring me closely given how much blood I had just lost, but they were happy with my observations. After 30 minutes I was taken back up to my side room on the ward. Sensation started returning to my toes in the recovery room and then returned up through my legs over the next hour or so. I was surprised how quickly the spinal wore off.

Although I felt pretty helpless after surgery it was so special to just cuddle the twins skin to skin for hours (albeit hot and sweaty cuddling my two water bottles in a very warm hospital room!). I was so grateful and relieved that the twins were ok when they came out and could stay with me. I continued to try breastfeeding the twins but twin two decided he wasn’t going to latch and twin 1 was hit and miss on latching and the times he did latch, he made me sore. I harvested some more colostrum, but harvesting enough for 1 baby was hard enough that I was beginning to think breastfeeding was going to be short lived.

I had such a hard time breastfeeding my first two children that I wasn’t holding out much hope that it would be any better with the twins, but I wanted to give it a go incase it was. That night after endlessly trying to harvest colostrum I decided that for the sake of my sanity, my well-being and my mental health and the effect on my family, it was not worth the stress of trying to make breastfeeding successful.

Yes, in an ideal world I would have loved for them to latch without problem and may have persevered a little more, but it’s not just about what I want- I have two babies that need me to love them, not resent them because I dread the next feed, I have a 7 and a 4 year old whose world’s have already been tilted by having to share the attention with two new siblings and therefore need me to be fully there for them and not having a mental breakdown because of the pressure I put on myself to be successful with breastfeeding.

From then on we formula fed the twins and not once have I looked back on that decision and regretted it. After my first son was born I really was not in a good place because of the pressure I put on myself and the healthcare professionals put on me to continue breastfeeding. But this time I felt so free, far more relaxed and so much happier. Not only that, the twins have been happy and so chilled out and they’ve been sleeping really well- they’ve generally been much easier babies than their older brothers ever were!

Anyway, by around 4pm on the day the twins were delivered, the midwifery assistants came round and got me up and out of bed and in the shower. I could barely stand, let alone walk without holding onto something for support and I felt so weak.

They were quite relaxed about visiting hours and my husband went home around 9pm- I’m sure he could have stayed later, but it was important he was there for our older two at home.

The first night I barely got any sleep- I was so uncomfortable and itchy from both the drugs I’d been given and my damp hair from the shower and hot from the stockings and the warmth of the room. My catheter and canula also made it difficult to get comfortable. I was also really unnerved by how laid back the staff were about how often the twins were feeding, I was expecting it to be a bit more regimented.

There was talk of me potentially going home the following day, but twin 2’s tummy was a little distended so they wanted to monitor him more.

The second night I felt I was pressing my call button constantly as the twins were so unsettled and I couldn’t get out of bed to pick them up to comfort them, feed them or stand for long enough to change their nappies. Some midwives were really understanding of this and it seemed they delighted in being able to help bottle feed them, others seemed annoyed almost that I was asking for so much help. Unsurprisingly I didn’t sleep the second night either, so I was glad to be discharged the next day.

Day 4 my milk came in and I almost started to express until I had a reality check. I decided I just would not have time to sit and feed the twins and then spend time expressing throughout the day and do washing etc and be there for the older two.

Recovery from the c-section has been better than expected. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect because following surgery in 2020 to remove my appendix and fix an umbilical hernia, recovery was slow and took months, so I didn’t know whether to expect a similar slow recovery. With the c-section, I feel the recovery has been much quicker, although my body reminds me when I’ve done too much! It has been challenging though to find comfortable clothes as my scar and overhang are still quite tender and many maternity trousers and leggings all have a seam in the position where my scar is- long dresses seem to be the answer in the hot weather though.

The recovery and easing into life as a family of six has been hugely helped my our amazing church family. We had people from our church bring round meals for us nearly everyday for 3 weeks, which has been an absolute blessing and has enabled us to focus on all 4 kids and not stress about having food on the table and meals cooked. We have been overwhelmed by such generosity from so many people. My parents have also been amazing and on hand helping out loads. They don’t live locally so decided to stay in our village for 3 months to help out. It will be hard adjusting to not having their help when they go back home.

 The twins have thrived and are really happy chilled out babies. They have been far more chilled out than our first two ever were! We were particularly dreading nights given our 4 year old still wakes at night, but after the first few nights, they have been fine. The twins have been happy to go down in the crib and have found comfort knowing that the other is right there. I’m sure when they start teething that we’ll get our share of bad nights where they don’t want to be put down.

Initially, when we found out we were having twins, I almost felt twins was some kind of punishment, but now I feel incredibly blessed to be a twin mummy. However, it does make it hard to blend in with other mums with babies. I feel I stick out like a sore thumb with twins, which I’m not akin to as I’ve never liked drawing attention to myself- something I’ve got to get used to I guess!

While twins and four kids were not in our life plan, sometimes there is a far greater plan and purpose for our lives. We have just got to accept and be open to it and know that when life’s challenges are given to us, we will be equipped to face them.

I would like to give Kate a huge thanks for blogging her journey, with honesty and authenticity. I will miss the updates but wish you and your family well Kate, it was great to have you back!

Read Kates’s blogs here.